Mee aahe marathi manoos…

“You are Marathi?”. Yessir, mee aahe marathi manoos.

 

I could sell ice to an eskimo, but may find it tough when it comes to convincing people that I am a marathi manoos. I get passed off as a relocated keralaite, a gaothan catholic, or a nice telugu. Or sometimes as an alien.

 

Reason 1 – My diction. Not really the way Mumbaikars speak nor the way Punekars speak. My accent is a hybrid between the Pune and Nagpur styles. The old worldly style of Pune and the north influenced Nagpuri style combine strategically to ensure that I can never express myself clearly in Marathi.  

 

Reason 2 – My looks. For all to see. I look like an import from some hypothetical fairy land. Deep eyes (yup, sunk into my eye sockets!), my colour (can easily comouflage as a zebra, thanks Dad, Mom for the stripes!), my structure (as regal as the royalty of some food starved country!).

 

Reason 3 – My name. The biggest drawback is the serious lack of “kar” in my name. With a surname like this, I pass of as an ancient Maori tribesman than a inhabitant of the Deccan Plateau.

 

But at the core, I am as marathi as I can be. I always refer to Kaalnirnay, I try and read some Diwali “ank“, I sit on the katta with friends when I am in Pune, use words like “chya aila“, I wear a Gandhi topi for Satya Nararayan puja, I say “Deva Ishwara Parameshwara Panduranga” to sigh, I still love Chimnarao, I have been saying Mumbai even when it was Bombay, I love Chitale’s chirote, and the Lonavala chikki. I still call people “bandya” or “balu“. And in this day and age when parents talk to their child only in English, my wife and I always speak to our daughter in Marathi. Like mine, her sanskaar will always be true marathi!

More than pictures…

Some pictures mean more than they say! These are random shots that I have collected from various places. Am not a photographer – but am sure you can see the depth in these pictures!!!

A New Beginning – This was taken one fine morning at the Food Mall on the Mumbai Pune Expressway at 6 am. The sun had just lit up the sky, while the solitary lamp post seems to be looking at in awe, wondering if it could ever manage this magic!!!

Light-up-the-sky!

Land’s End? – Taken from atop the Chapora Fort in Goa, this breathtaking picture is more than a shoreline. It’s a reminder of what the planet was before we starting killing it bit by bit. How soon before the end?

Phir Milenge! – The sunset. This painting on God’s canvass is the most tranquil scenes that I have ever seen. When was the last time you felt peace?

See ya, tomorrow!

Waterworld! – Nature’s temper tantrum in Mumbai. That’s abour 5 feet of water in my building!

Where

Life is full of choices – It’s the choices you make that truly define you. Just like this wall. Elegant, Beautiful, Solid, Fighter. Never give in, never give up!

Carved in stone!

Happy Diwali!

Let’s all celebrate this Diwali in the true spirit. Let us light up our lives and the lives of our loved ones with happiness and smiles. Let’s have love conquer us all and may differences disappear.

Love Love Love

With the redevelopment of older buildings in my neighbourhood is gathering speed and with lesser people now populating the area, I am noticing a new development also happening. In a space starved Mumbai, couples find all sorts of places to koo-chickoo!!! One such place happens to be a corner of my building, which after nightfall provides a safe haven for love birds to flock.

 

With no watchmen to shoo them away, our cars and bikes provide seclusion and shield them from the prying eyes of the world. The solitary tube light entrusted with the task of spreading light to the environs of this particular corner somehow now supports these couples, refusing to come out of its slumber, thus providing the cover of darkness as encouragement. Everyday, when I get back from work, I see some couple or the other utilising the facilities which we have benevolently provided. Some are also playing soulful numbers by Himesssss, or Atif Aslam to create the mood. Kehte hain, paani aur sacche pyaar ko koi rok nahin sakta.  

 

I am reminded of my childhood days when we used to visit the lush green environs of Empress Garden. Empress Garden – Pune – is a botanical park with a huge cover of greenery sprawling over a huge area. There also happens to be a small stream flowing through it adding to the charms. We used to go there on Sundays to generally have a good time lazing around playing cricket and badminton or just running around through the stream. This place is also full of huge trees, as also bamboo groves. Every tree had at least two lovelorn couples “engaged” in affection. Bamboo grooves were even better. These were a perfect camouflage for snakes and couples alike, all of whom used to have intertwined bodies. We innocent minds never understood why people had to hide and talk to each other. Since we were fed on a diet of hindi movies, we thought that love was all about singing songs in the garden around trees. So we used to wait for these people to start singing. But alas!

 

Anywhichways, we soon understood why these guys did so. When we started going to college, we were exposed to many such couples canoodling around. And that too in college since our college – Fergusson – was blessed with plenty of isolated spots which did not remain all that isolated with the ever growing love industry.

 

And the more adventurous ones and of course the innovative ones used to pick up places such as the Lovers’ Lane. This was a lane that connects Law college road to somewhere inside and runs parallel to Prabhat road (for the guys from Pune, if u wanna ever use this!). And yes, there was this amazing technique. You hire a rick. And you pay that guy some money to park the rick very close to the dense growth of trees in someone’s bungalow. And use the rain curtain on the other side. And yippee, you had a private room to yourselves.

 

In Mumbai, though since trees and gardens a rarity, in addition to the spots like my building couples stick to Bandstand, Worli seaface, Nariman Point, Marine Drive and some other places where there is a potent combination of the sea and rocks! It’s very easy to sea that they have a rocking time!!!

A man in a woman’s world!

 

I want to concede that my life is dominated by women. There is not a single decision I make that does not take the aid of a woman. It doesn’t make a pretty picture, but I have come to terms with this. Now, before you think that I am a metrosexual, let me correct you. I am not. I might be the new breed called Ubersexual. Maybe, but just partly. But I am still in the evolution phase. I mean, if there is a evolution curve for ubersexuals, I might just be making it past the caveman era!

 

Anyways, coming back, women rule my life. At home, work, in my social circle – everywhere. Here’s how –

 

Mom – Need I say anything? From the education I have to the wife I have, she’s been the one who’s called the shots. Its a pity that my failures to rise up in life cannot equate her to a status of being a Jijamata to a Shivaji. Sob!

 

Wife – Thanks for everything dear! (hope dinner is happening tonight, see I was nice to you!)

 

Daughter – Am the perfect rag doll for Myra; as Megs calls it. (This part – the rag doll – I love!)

 

Work – Working in a gender neutral organisation is a different experience. My boss is a woman, my boss’ boss is a woman, my ex-boss was a woman, my team has more women than men! My partner on a cross departmental project is a woman; my agency is led by a woman. Whew! Such is life. No country for old men!

 

And it’s just not me. Men are at the shallow end of the pool today when it comes to power. I have proof. I did a quick dipstick (not lipstick, dodo!) to figure out what it meant to be a man in today’s world. I asked a few women and men on what they thought were the 3 manliness qualities today.

 

The findings were –

 

My sense is as below –

 

Women are smart. Yes, smarter than men. They are naturally programmed. The figure above tells us that they are the bosses. Men have been tuned by the women. See, the percentage of women who think it is a sign of manliness to be sensitive is same as the percentage of men! Sensitive??!! Couple of decades earlier, a sensitive man would be known as a sissy. Seesee what I mean!! Actually, I don’t know how much to make of these findings, let me know if you see any sense in it.

Karzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!

 

Forgive me if I have missed any “zzz” in the name! Karzzz is all around, with it’s superb, mind blowing fantastic publicity – in Himesssbhai’s own words! Radio channels – which I listen to while driving are happy playing the songs one after the other in addition to running contests around this, TV – music channels again and others where the promos run non stop, and Himesh is making “judge” appearances, traffic signal hoardings where Himesh is looking dreamily into the “past”, Online (the site is actually impressed me!), and the papers and mags which are in overdrive.

 

Himesh bhai’s new look, new hair (chinese, I read somewhere), new designed clothes, new singing style (this time not through the nose), new weight (63 kgs), new waist line, and possibly new age (35 at last count!), is all around boy gimme a break, pleaseeeeeee! There is more buzz around Himesh than the movie itself.  

And the songs of Karzzz? Well, insomniacs of the world, stand up take notice. Our very own Himessssbhai, is here to solve your problems. One song and you are in dreamland!! Suu karo cho bhai? So much effort for this? Tch Tch. Your Suroor seems to be off! (though I must admit that is bhai had’nt sung the songs, they would have actually sounded good!!). And in any case, nowhere near LP’s creations. And the promos? Agar promo aise hain toh socho picture kaisi hogi, Ha Ha Ha!! (retro dialogue remade from one of 80s hindi movie!! writer unknown!). Very tacky. Proof – Remakes don’t work!

 

My aankh mein aasoo moment on this was when I received a random call from some agency asking e whether I would be interested in the Karz “curtain raiser”. Me, someone asked me to a Himesh show, wow that’s something. But I missed it – I was busy celebrating my birthday – sorry sir.  

 

Am a little wary of the movie Karzzzzzzz before the release. I loved the original, remakes are not good, history is gawaah. Don  was the only good one, but the rest have failed miserably. Satish Kaushik is unpredictable, just hope that this Karzzzz is not as bad as RGV Ki Aag!!

Flashback 1997!

During my summer project in my MBA days I lived for about ten days with a bunch of guys from college. I wanted to experience the life of a hostelite. So, while I was still in Pune, I thought this is something that I should try. And experience. (Little did I know that in a years time I would be doing that in Mumbai!!)

Anways, I lived in Aundh – fairly close to the college and had my bike – the Doberman – for company. I lived at a place called Elite Gardens with a bunch of guys who at best can be described as miscellaneous. There were five to six rent paying residents – we never knew which five six among the collective group of twenty guys parking themselves there. I moved in with some of my belongings for an adventure.

Now some of the interesting things that I must tell you guys is that everyone there had a nickname – a funny one with a sound logic to why the person carried that name. So we had “Tarzan”, one who roamed around in multicolored underwear all the time. And we had someone called “Anaconda” cause he was huge and lazy, Then there was someone called “Gundhoo” cause that’s what he was. And of course, “Thakur Dedh Haath” was the guy who had fractured half his hand for half a sem. Then there was “Bhaiyya” who was the gyaani type. And yes there was “Kutta” who seemed to be everyone’s pet.

The usual visitors also had been baptised thus and we had multiple characters floating around. We had one called “Don” for the attitude he had, and there was another called the “Emperor” who was always politically “there”. There was “Sweetie Pandey” who was sweet and nice to all and he hated this name. We also had “Snowy” the darkest guy in college. Then of course there was “Frustoo” for what he felt all the time and “Phantom” who was so thin that he was part of the old jungle folklore. Then there were names that were specially coined for a few people. So we had a “Better Friend”, and girl who was “Miss IQ” with a stress on Miss! We had someone who was called “Harmless” for the way he behaved with the girls. And a girl called “Bhai” cause that’s what she used to behave like. And another was called “Mowgli” for the hairstyle she carried. Whew!

Well, coming back to the hostelite days, I discovered that it wasn’t that easy. You wake up in the morning and there’s no tea waiting for you. The paper is being shared by ten guys, the loo is occupied for a period that seems like eternity. You have to wash your own clothes and by the time you leave home for office, you are half dead. Then you quickly go the nearest udipi joint and have breakfast and tea and count you rapidly dwindling finances. Lunch seems to be like an luxury. And the evenings seem to just make it worse ‘cause you are already missing home.  No wonder, I found myself back home in ten long days enjoying my parents “chatra chaya”!!!

Traffic ecosystem in Mumbai

Anyone who drives a car in Mumbai needs to know the pecking order on the roads. As I moved up the vehicle ranks, I realised that I have fallen lower in the traffic food chain. There were times when I was the King, oh how I have fallen!!!

To quote a famous Amitabh Bachchan dialogue from Agneepath “Kehne ko toh yeh shehar hai, par yahaan jungle ka kanoon chalta hai. Yahaan par har taqatwar apne se kum taqatwar ko kha jaata hai.”(Roughly translated: “This may be a city, but ruled by the laws of the jungle. Every strong species eliminates the lesser species here.”)

Here’s how it looks like on the Mumbai roads – 

 

Traffic ecosystem on Mumbai roads

Pedestrians: These species is highly evolved. We walk therefore you are, seems to be their motto. Footpaths or no footpaths, these kings have to walk on the road. Vehicles have brakes, this species doesn’t. Red light, green light, no problem, we walk, jump, squeeze through.
Be wary of: Their limbs and their mouth. Limbs can be used for varied intimidating gestures and also cause damage to the vehicles of lower species. The mouth can be used for noises, usually provoking the lower species into confrontation.

Bikers: These are the leftists, zoom with gay abandon with no regard whatsoever for the others around. High speed starts; cutting lanes etc. is the basic character.
Be wary of: The middle finger and tough glares at other species. Occasional damage can be caused to others vehicles.

Rickshaws and Taxis: While these are the pests of the traffic ecosystem, their sheer numbers places them on higher in the ecosystem. Known for blocking lanes, slow take offs, stopping in the middle of the road and squeezing into every possible gap between anything. Another inherent trait is stopping anywhere in traffic without fore warning.
Be wary of: Causing damage by their noses, which seem to be getting into everywhere!

BEST buses: Were known to be disciplined species but increasingly getting dangerous. All species irrespective of their order are prone to damage from these. Coupled with their size, their scant respect for the lane system can be intimidating for all species.
Be wary of: Don’t get in their way unless you are a pedestrian!

Private cars: The lowest in the traffic ecosystem with stray incidents of notoriety. They are the receiving lot of all. Pedestrians block their way and cause damage if they try to move at any speeds above 2 km/hr which of course is dictated by the rickshaws and taxis, with their dangerous lane cuttings and also by the BEST buses which does not allow them any space to manoeuvre unless they scrape some part of their body somewhere. The private cars themselves show affection to each other with the side mirrors kissing each  other at regular intervals.
Be wary of: High speeds when attained late at night can cause the driver to be reckless!

 

Goa!

 

When we went to Goa last January for our annual vacation, we decided that this time it would be serious beach bumming. The program was simple. Eat, swim, drink, swim, drink, well I guess you pretty well get the picture!

 

First things first. Buy swimwear.

Option 1 – No swimwear, wear your shorts and t-shirt in the sea. Be a laughing stock.

Option 2 – Adorn (yes, that’s the word) swimwear on our bodies. Be a laughing stock.

 

Always ready to take on challenges, we took the risk of getting swimwear. Megs and I walked boldly with steely determination on the streets of Baga towards a swim wear shop. We saw one, bold and pink. “Bikini Shop” screamed the hoarding with a picture of a firang girl, who would have looked better with some clothes on, maybe one of the bikinis that the shop was selling! Our resolve melted, our mind was clouded with a million questions… was this shop only for firangs? Should we go in? We could pass of as our neighbours from the south with our complexion…No! Let’s go to a decent shop, and we meekly walked into a garment shop. The shop owner gave us pitiful looks while pointing to the “Bikini Shop”. Left with no choice, we walked in there. Once inside, we tried to look as cool while clearly we were as comfortable as a mouse is in a mouse trap. We tried to ignore the attendant and started to sift through the racks. It was easy picking a suit for Megs, with the attendant giving his “two bits” (pun intended) of his recommendation for “bhabhi” – we discovered he was from UP who thought it was ok for firangs to wear two piece costumes, but not us. Racist, was he? Maybe. But a feminist, definitely. He didn’t have trunks for me. His next shop did.

 

With the victory of buying a swimming costume for Megs, I strut in confidently into the “men’s” shop. On asking for trunks for me, he removed a piece of cloth barely enough to cover my wallet! I looked at him with a menacing glint in my eye for “down sizing” me. He smiled. “Sir, try to karo, fit hogi”. Highly optimistic, I smirked. Walked into the trial room; wondering if that piece of cloth would even make it up to my knees. Horror, wonder, it not only did it slide smoothly up my legs but it did fit, quite comfortably.

 

Second challenge. Wear swimwear. Which I did. My twiggy body not withstanding, I walked the beach like a gladiator who had just slain the fiercest lion. I had bigger challenges to face. I can’t swim. I just stood in chest deep water beating my frail arms. Hopefully the water not only hid my body but I hoped that maybe the refraction could possibly add a positive visual effect to enhance my bulk!

 

And, now when I watch the promos of “Dostana” where John Abraham is wearing the yellow tiny trunks, walking out of the sea, I get a sense of déjà vu. Hopefully my gymming should get me closer to his figure. Goa, here I come this January.

 

 

Related post:

Go Goa!

 

 

Bigg Boss – Season 2 – Update

Monica Bedi will be making a grand entry into the Bigg Boss house today. Am happy, since I thought that she was one of the non fussy, non cribby inmates. Though the man Rahul Mahajan just doesnt allow her any space. Hopefully our Bedi girl should now have wisened up and should be able to manage her stay longer.

Me, some Nostradamus, eh? Check this post.